Cambridge Writing Exam Feedback
This is other feedback I gave a CAE student who submitted a task recently:
Question:
Answer:
Governments all over the world invest in research. Two areas of research that deserve government funding are green energy and human eating habits.
A sector the government could fund is the production of sustainable green energy. In the light of the depletion of finite energy resources, new sustainable energy has to be developed, such as through solar and wind power. This means we are less reliant on particular fuels and politically turbulent areas of production. Moreover, not only could we have enough resources to utilize, but we also have significantly cleaner energy. For example, if we use more electric cars, run on batteries, we will have fewer vehicle exhaust emissions which leads to fewer respiratory diseases.
Another field worthy of governmental investment is research into the population’s eating habits. In other words, research into dietary preferences, choices of cuisines, cooking habits and fast food consumption which results in a greater knowledge of trends in eating, enabling the government to step in and take action in educating and informing the population. In the long run,this is a proactive way of influencing, essential for population’s health and wellbeing and in turn, will reduce hospital admissions.
White both of these areas are vital, in my opinion it is more important for governments to spend money on people’s eating habits. At the moment, there is plenty of research on sustainable energy rather than dietary patterns. If the government can spend more money on it, everyone can benefit and be healthier.
My Mistakes & Corrections:
Governments all over the world invest in research. Two areas of research that deserve government funding are green energy and human eating habits.
A sector the government could fund is the production of sustainable green energy. In the light of the depletion of finite energy resources, new sustainable energy has to be developed (good, passive construction), such as through solar and wind power. This means (What’s another way to say this?) we are less reliant on particular fuels and politically turbulent areas of production. Moreover (good linking word), not only could we (good, inversion) have enough resources to utilize (I don’t think this is really a positive point), but we also have (this should be hypothetical) significantly cleaner energy ‘which can be better for the health of the general public and take pressure off the healthcare system’ (This sentence would now link better to the final point). For example, if we use more electric cars, run on batteries, we will have fewer vehicle exhaust emissions which leads to fewer respiratory diseases (good use of the first conditional).
Another field worthy of governmental investment (good phrase) is research into the population’s eating habits. In other words, research into dietary preferences, choices of cuisines, cooking habits and fast food consumption., which(I would start a new sentence otherwise it’s a bit long) ‘This would’ results in a greater knowledge of trends in eating, ‘thus’ enabling the government to step in and take action in educating and informing the population. In the long run, this is a proactive way of influencing (...say who or what), essential for ‘the’ population’s health and wellbeing and in turn (good phrase), will reduce hospital admissions.
White both of these areas are vital, in my opinion it is more important for governments to spend money on people’s eating habits. At the moment, there is plenty of research on sustainable energy rather than dietary patterns. If the government can spend more money on it (don’t use a pronoun here because you spoke about sustainable energy in the last sentence), everyone can benefit and be healthier.
My Assessment Scale Review:
| Subscale | Mark (1-5) | Commentary |
| Content | 4 | All of the main objectives of the task have been addressed and the target reader is fully informed. I think the introduction could be made stronger. Perhaps suggest why governments do this. You could also state how you will try to decide between the two options. The first sentence could have more of an impact on the examiner. I think the points in your first body paragraph about sustainable energy could be made stronger with better use of language and more appropriate examples. |
| Communicative Achievement | 3 | Your paragraph on sustainable energy is longer and it is all positive. This makes me think you’ll probably suggest this as the most important way. You could either shorten this paragraph or in some way suggest why it’s less important in the main body paragraphs. You could also swap it to the third paragraph rather than the second but this is optional. Your paragraphs have clear first sentences, introducing the topic and main argument. These are then developed well with further explanations, linking words and examples. The examples do not always help to back up your argument, for example, the final sentence of the second paragraph addresses health which you have not mentioned previously, so it isn’t tied closely enough to say ‘for example.’ |
| Organisation | 3 | The overall structure of your essay is clear and well defined with separate paragraphs, an introduction, conclusion and one paragraph for each of the main points. This fits with the conventions of essay writing. |
| Language | 4 | The language you’ve used is generally formal and in keeping with the conventions of essay writing. You have also used a range of vocabulary and linking devices as well as some more simple and complex grammatical structures. While you make a few mistakes with the language, these do not generally impede communication. Watch out that your language is aiding your main arguments. Make sure you use pronouns at appropriate times and that your arguments are conclusive. Saving five minutes to read over your work at the end will help with this. |
Final Analysis:
Content - 4
Communicative Achievement - 3
Organisation - 3
Language - 4
Total: 14/20
If the student scored the same for the part 2 writing, the overall mark would be 28/40 which would be equal to 188 on the writing scale. This would be a pass in the C1 Advanced writing paper. Check out this page to find out more about what marks you require to pass the exam.